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Not exacly my last piece of the year/decade as I'm still sketching out some plants of my sketchbook, but this is the last finished art.

I really like this piece, it turned oit really ose to what i had imagened and really clos eto my sktech. I used watercolor and pencials for it.
Amabili (the character I drew) is honestly one of my favourite characters, even if I don't really do mucb with her, and I have a story that i need to revise and avtually draw and digitalize. I just live her design, being one of my fist ever good designs, even her desing is trully super simple, that is what i like. She will just forever live in my heart.


The pharahraph below is just me putting down some of the feelings I had this week. I just need to have it out somewhere. Please do ignore it, it has no connection to the drawing. It just a bunch of blabbering.

I've never quite known how to describe how the passing years. This year is no different. SO much changed for me, and I just don't know how to react to it. I'm sure that the hard moments were things I had never experienced before. I don't think I've cried because of internal turmoil last year, or at least not nearly as much as I did this year. But I also know that the good things were really good as well, and that I'm in a place I've only dreamed in ever being.
I was never severely bullied; when I was really young I had my cousing direvtly bullying me with calling me fat, whale, and the ocasional beating, but I didn't know it was wrong what they were doing (I don't think they knew either) so I didn't take any of it to heart, and that never affected me, Nd after I started beating them too, they stopped. In school I was usually the physically bigger person, so I was sorta intimidating, so the bullying was more passive aggressive and not physical, I was very aware of the bullying, but it wasn't all the time, so again, I didn't take it to heart, but I still despise those who were bullying me. Aside from that one rime I bit my cousin (and the ocasional "stop it" soft punch for the other cousins), I never trully angerly hit anyone. Whenever I'm too angry I start hitting objects around me, so if anyone does get injured it will only be me.
This year rhere was still a bit of bullying, but MUCH less aggressive, and I could understand their point, and eventually it stoppped. For the first time in 10 years I was a kid in a class that out of one guy, I didn't know anyone. Litterally ever since I was 5 I've studied with at least more or less the exact same people. Not being with those sometimes harmful people, most of ehich I wasn't friends with nor I really liked, was scary as hell. I didn't have the constant of my old friend group, my parents or just my bedroom. Luckly that one guy I knew was a friend, and at least one person I could rely on. On ten very second day I met another guy and we became fast friends. Soon we were a trio. We still are more of our own little trio, even if our group consists of 7 people. As much as I liked my old friend group, I could tell we weren't SUPER close. I don't know if it was because we were all too reserved, and to be quite frankly, boring, or if that was just how things were, but I know I'm in a much better place now.
I'm one of those people who is kinda aware of meltal illnesses, like I know I have anxiety, that is all too very clear; I know I don't have depression; but I do sometimes feel like I could have imposters syndrome, but then I also think I'm just trying to get pity points and that really I don't have imposters syndrome and I'm just fishing for attention, which then makes me feel even more like an impostor. And the cycle keeps going. That happens the same with anxiety. And I think I've had panic attacks. Somegjing that never happened before. I'm extremely scared of bugs like cockroaches, grasshoppers and cicadas. This last week there were two cockroaches in my bedroom. One of them was really dumb and got killed easily, the other was bigger and smarter. Because I was so on the edge about them, I hid in the living room wrapped under a blanket while my dad tried to kill it. At the end when the roach disappeard into my wardrobe (I had left it open), I started crying out, just of thinking of having to sleep in my bedroom. My dad ended up hitting his yoe REALLY hard on my bed, and his toe is swollen and almost black, my fault for being afraid of a fucking bug. Yeastersay after brakfast I went to the bathroom. I stayed there for about 20 minutes just scrolling throigh twitter. When i was getting up, I looked around to see that on the green lart of my wall was a 4 inch grasshopper looking down on me, and I startarted shaking SO baddly. When I had to pass in from of the door again to hide in my parent's bedroom, I was almost dying because the door was open and I was scared it would jump out on me.
I didn't use to have panic attacks like this. It makes me nervkus just ti think that someday I will live alone and a grasshopper might go in through tbe window and I'll have no one but myself to get rid of it. Putting nets on my windows will be my first oder of business when I move out.

Upvotes at import: 20 | Stars at import: 9
Posted previously at: 2019-12-31T13:26:59 | Posted previously by: Mildgyth